Despair All Consuming

Her despair is all consuming, slithering through her veins like a deadly poison, not kind enough to finish the job quickly. The noose of anguish coils around her neck, slowly tightened by a gnarled and gruesome hand, unknown to her.

 

Cruelest of all is the time to reflect. Before the consummation of her soul, she is bathed in memories. She shudders and shies away, trying to wrench the thoughts from her head, but they are burs, stuck within the cloth of her mind.

 

Each mistake, every moment she would have done differently, faces of loved ones she has hurt, all flashing behind her eyes, mocking and berating her. Those who are deserving, face their demons with weapons of joy and happiness. There are no weapons for the underserving – they must face down their demons of guilt and remorse defenseless.

 

She feels the first slice upon her heart, followed by a thousand more, rapidly as if clawed by a rabid animal. Looking down, expecting to find blood pooled around her feet, she sees nothing. No evidence of wounds upon her body. How can her pain be so acute, how can her heart be shredded and no one see?

 

Blood rises like bile in her throat, she coughs and sputters, trying in vain to breathe. Her vision blurs, and darkness creeps into the corners like a panther methodically stalking its prey. It shouldn’t be long now. The pain radiates through her extremities as she gulps for air that refuses to reach her lungs.

 

Before the blackness fills her vision, she realizes she is not alone. A man stands stoically, watching, waiting. Knowing that it is but moments until she finally pays the ultimate price for her sins. His expressionless face is her mortal blow. Succumbing to the darkness, she falls, met on the other side, by flames and regret.

Circle Game

There is no greater joy than watching your children succeed and no greater sadness than watching them struggle. Eyes that were once alight at the sight of a butterfly are turned hard and cynical far too early. Bubbly baby laughs fade away as do the memories of worshipful upturned faces and chubby arms held high in expectation. Hurts are no longer superficial wounds that can be soothes by kisses and responsibilities grow from trivial to life changing. Days speed by and with each passing moment, the center of their world slowly shifts away from you.
Parenthood is a heavenly sorrow.

The Severing, Sweatpant, Succubus Examination

How do we know when it’s time to lay a dying relationship to rest?  As humans, we have been equipped with a biological clock that ticks the minutes of our life away with brutal efficiency.  We have developed a sixth sense that raises the hair on the back of our necks when trouble is near, or raises goose-flesh on our arms as a silent alarm of danger.  If we eat a plate of bad fish, or over imbibe in spirits, our system violently expels the offending substances in an effort to protect us from harm.

 Our bodies tell us when to procreate, alert us to danger, and protect us from internal physical injury. Where then, is our emotional trauma alarm?  Is it perhaps not that we lack such an alarm, but that we choose to ignore it when it sounds? 

 Many of us justify remaining in a dying relationship because we tell ourselves: “It may be bad now, but it has no choice but to get better.”  There is a choice.  There is always a choice.  And history proves that most often, the chosen choice is not better but worse. 

 If we open the refrigerator, grab a gallon of milk, and take a swig only to realize the expiration date has long since passed, we don’t continue to drink the curdled milk because “it has no choice but to get better”.    We throw it away, because we recognize that it’s gone sour and is no good for us. 

 If only the dispelling of toxic relationships could be that easy.  Unfortunately, we develop deeper emotional attachments to people than we do to our dairy products.  Therefore; we cannot reconcile the immediate pain and sadness that comes from severing a relationship, with the longer lasting happiness the amputation will bring.

 Just like those baggy worn-out sweatpants from college that you voraciously cling to.  Although your sense of nostalgia rebels at the thought of throwing them away, you will, in the long run, be happier when you are no longer confused with a homeless person.   

 In light of this, I suggest we all reevaluate our relationships and, when necessary, use the time-honored, battle tested Band Aid method to end the poisonous ones.  Life is too short and filled with too many wonderful people to waste time on the selfish, self-involved, succubus’ of the world.

An Examination: Innie vs. Outie

I have known many introverted souls in my life.  They are the people with the terrified expressions in a crowd full of unfamiliar people.  They are the diners at the restaurant who would rather eat the wrong meal than ask the waiter for the right one.  They are the shoppers who would rather die than challenge the cashier when an item rings up at the wrong price.  

 Introverts are easy to spot, and once identified, we handle them with kid gloves to shelter them from the unfamiliar and anxiety generating aspects of life.  With introverts, what you see is usually what you get. 

 Extroverts: These are the individuals who have mastered emotional sleight of hand.  When you are loud, outgoing, and demonstrative, most people take you at face value.  What they don’t understand is that these personality traits are often classic misdirection. 

 I have often read many “Things to Know” lists about the important facts you should know about introverts; e.g., I have an emotional bubble, you can’t push me into making decisions or stepping outside of my comfort zone, I am opinionated but scared to voice my opinions. 

 Consequently, I have prepared a short, but enlightening, list of things you should know about extroverts:

 • Sometimes those who are the loudest are often the most afraid.

• Extroverts are always willing to speak up for everyone except themselves.

• They may be frank and direct about seemingly insignificant things; however, it takes a true act of courage for them to be open and honest with those they love and care for.

• A seemingly durable and resilient exterior often hides delicate feelings and a sensitive heart.

• Most often, the strength and courage are smoke and mirrors.

 Because extroverts are taken at face value, no one realizes that there is a complex and often misunderstood whirlpool of emotions and feelings lurking just below the surface. 

 Now that your extrovert education has been expanded, go home tonight and give your extrovert a hug because they won’t ask for one, but they need one. 

The Legacy Reality

Have you ever thought about what your legacy will be?  Two, ten, twenty years after you are gone, when someone says your name, what will be the first thought people have of you?

 I faced the reality of my legacy this weekend:

 Saturday, while at my son’s wrestling tournament, I thought I would be funny and run to the concession stand to cut off one of the wrestlers that we have known for years.  What I failed to realize was that every Gatorade, water, or soda, carried away from the concession counter leaves a trail of ice water in its wake. 

The moment my foot hit the wet tile, I plunged to the ground, completed a horizontal slide across the floor, and crashed into the wall directly below the concession stand counter.  Now, in my mind, all of this was executed with as much grace and dignity as a grown woman careening out of control and slamming into a wall could achieve. 

 Then, I made the mistake of looking up and came face to face with the poor boy I had run in front of.  Seeing the massive 230 pound wrestler, who moments ago dropped a man on his head and pinned him to the ground without batting an eye, look down at me with an utterly horrified expression on his face, quickly dispelled any residual dignity I was clinging to. 

Now, after telling this story to one of my friends, her immediate response was: “My goodness!  You fall more than anyone I know”.  There it is, folks.  Long after I’m gone, when my name is whispered in reverent hushed tones, it will be followed with: “she fell more than anyone I knew.”

Furthermore, I realized that there is nothing I can do to change my fate.  I could give this world the cure to cancer, or the next technological superpower and it would not alter my course.  Because, let’s face it, even a brilliant man like Steven Jobs would be remembered as that klutzy guy, if he couldn’t walk across a stage without eating it.

 

 

Things Your Mother Never Told You

Growing up, I received generic warnings from my mother such as: You just wait until you have kids of your own or, one day you will realize being an adult is hard work.  Thanks for the preparation, Mom.  How about diving into some specifics like:

Trash bags don’t magically appear in the garbage can.  You have to purchase them, and they aren’t cheap.

The older you are, the more appealing naps become, and the less time you will have to take them.

Self-indulgent illness is singularly reserved for the male species.

Mothers and wives are required to have superhuman abilities such as: X-ray vision, healing powers, and telepathy but rarely receive the adoration these powers deserve.

The day your child stops calling you “mommy” is one of the saddest in your life.

The phrase “because I said so”, is only a powerful weapon against your kids until the age of 13.  By that time, they have realized it’s a smoke screen to distract from your complete lack of a valid argument.

The Department of Motor Vehicles generously issues a healthy dose of anxiety and paranoia to the parents of each Learner’s Permit recipient.

Staying in a hotel loses its magic after one 20/20 black light special.

The first person to break your child’s heart will be responsible for teaching you how to identify and subsequently conquer a murderous rage.

Do not be alarmed the first time you get out of bed and it sounds as though your entire skeletal system is fracturing apart.  It’s just the beginning of the not-so-gentle decent into your geriatric years.

I feel as though I could have been better prepared for adulthood with some of these important facts.  Especially the trash bag information.  That’s gold.

How grown-ups complicate friendships

Do you remember how easy it was to make friends in Elementary School?  As long as you didn’t eat paste, liked the same scratch and sniff Strawberry Shortcake stickers, and your mom packed better snacks for lunch, a friendship was born.

3rd Grade politics were no more in depth than debating which super power would be the most impressive (should you receive a radioactive spider bite, or accidentally become exposed to gamma rays), and no one scoffed at the way you chose to raise your Cabbage Patch Doll.

 With each passing year, we develop a natural refinement in our view of people and the relationships we wish to cultivate with them.  The flip side of this coin is that we steadily become less tolerant of those with lifestyles and views that don’t mirror our own. 

 I have asked myself, on numerous occasions, why can we never develop the kind of friendships we had in school as adults?

 Of course as grown-ups, the time we have to offer our friends is minimal once you divvy out pieces of the pie to work, spouse, children, and errands.

 The friendships that we have chosen based on compatibility and the happiness we receive from them are pushed aside for those friendships developed out of convenience. 

  It’s easier to remain friends with people who have children on the same sports team or in the same school activities because, let’s face it, the effort necessary to socialize with adults that are required to be at the same location, at the same time that we are is nominal. 

 This is where grown-ups go horribly wrong.

 Sometimes we have to do things for the sheer joy it brings us.  Although the minutes in our day are like tiny nuggets of gold, we must be willing to spend some of that precious currency on the friendships that feed our souls. 

This is what we did as children.  We loved a little more unconditionally.  We gave a little more selflessly, and we offered a little more of ourselves to others.  That is how true friendships are born, and that is how those true friendships survive.